When I heard that Kerala Women’s Commissioner M.C. Josephine’s advice to a distraught domestic violence victim. in a live television show, was just “Enna pinne anubhavicho” (Then you bear it), it did not surprise me at all. I am very sure that this was not the first time that the victim had heard this answer too, be it from her family or her social circle. This frivolous comment is common parlance to most Indian women and is the biggest roadblock in the lives of many, including mine. Personally, the comment has wreaked havoc in my life and had pushed me into the depths of depression for many years together.
The inane comment is not so inane when it comes to the repercussions that it leads to. The person who is hearing it (90 per cent of the time a woman) voices out her fear or pain after many deliberations. But the comment is thrown back on her face as a retort as she failed to fall in line with the accepted practices. All this because she had taken a step that is against a common line of practice or social thought and chose to put her intelligence first to decide on an issue. In the event of her decision leading to some unexpected complications and when she looks out for some guidance or support, this is the only help that she gets - be it family or society.
Even scientists who start with a proposition are allowed to fail and reformat their strategies to arrive at the desired result. No scientific theory is proved overnight from the day of its conception. Every scientist gets enough assistance, time and place to try out various permutations and combinations of his theory till he achieves his goal. But when it comes to a woman making a mistake with her unconventional decision, the only help is to reap the consequence.
The worst part for a woman in distress the first set of people to offer the "anubhavicho" assistance is her own kith and kin. Usually, it is the family, the first circle of protection that anyone wants to fall back on, that readily pounces on the woman who chose the less-travelled road. Instead of fostering her and more importantly comforting her, the initial reaction that one gets from one's parents mostly is this comment.
It takes a lot of courage for any woman in Indian society to choose to travel a different path from that of her family's; because most of the time, she gets branded as a headstrong or an outcast for her actions. And she hits an obstacle in the way, the first and foremost help that she gets from the I-told-you-so-family is “anubhavicho”. This comment is handed out to her as a natural consequence of her bold action and as a privilege of the people who earlier discouraged her decision. For many a self-respecting woman, this is most hurtful and pushes her into a darker place to hide or bury her feelings which subsequently worsens the situation.
Women can be empowered and uplifted by not just letting them do what they want but also by guiding them through their choices; more importantly, not ridiculing them when they fail and trying to make them follow the line.
What was more alarming and disheartening for me was when I saw a small 7-year-old girl rebuke her playmate using these same words. What intrigued me the most was how that little girl had become familiar with the comment already and how she carelessly flung it at her friend who needed some help. If, as a society, we do not stop being so callous to our own daughters, then all that is going to remain is, “Enna pinne anubhavicho”.
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